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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28239003">But If You Loved Me, Why'd You Leave Me?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/DramaticNia/pseuds/DramaticNia'>DramaticNia</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Grand Tour (TV) RPF, Top Gear (UK) RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Break Up Talk, Fights, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sad with a Happy Ending</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 17:22:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,465</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28239003</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/DramaticNia/pseuds/DramaticNia</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes a fight, a breakup, or a departure<br/>determines the value of everything that has been neglected before;<br/>and that's what brings Jeremy and Richard back together again...</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jeremy Clarkson/Richard Hammond</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>But If You Loved Me, Why'd You Leave Me?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Fine!" Jeremy yelled, storming out of the bedroom.</p><p><br/>"Fine!" Richard yelled back, following Jeremy into the living room.</p><p><br/>They had been fighting so much recently. It was surprising that the neighbours hadn't called the police already.</p><p><br/>"You know what, Jeremy? I want you out of this house."</p><p><br/>"Wh-? Huh! Richard Hammond, this is technically <em>MY</em> house! You can't just kick me out of my own flat!"</p><p><br/>"I don't care! I will give your bloody house back to you, but for now, have all your things packed and by the front door. I want you gone by morning. I... I just can't live with you right now. I'm so-"</p><p><br/>"WHAT, RICHARD? YOU'RE SO WHAT?"</p><p><br/>"I'M SICK OF YOUR BULLSHIT, JEREMY!" Richard shouted back with closed eyes, then opened his eyes and took in a few shallow breaths before continuing, "I'm sick of your drinking and you neglecting me! I'm sick of you coming home late at night. I'm sick of you always leaving on 'work meetings' with God knows who when I need you the most! I'm sick of you-" Richard cut himself off and let out a shaky breathe, then looked Jeremy in the eyes and sighed, "I'm sick of you, Jeremy."</p><p><br/>"Well I'm bloody sick of you too, Hammond! You're clingy and you whine all the time! You barely even talk to me unless it's to yell, and you fucking yell at the tiniest thing. Yesterday you got mad at me for <em>sneezing!</em>"</p><p><br/>"You sneezed on <em>me,</em> Je-"</p><p><br/>"I'm not done yet! You always stick your nose into my business, and never trust that I'm not cheating on you! You get jealous all the time, and you… you never even kiss me good morning anymore…"</p><p><br/>Jeremy looked up at Richard's pale face and saw the hurt in the younger man's watery eyes, then he looked down at where Richard's hands were shaking uncontrollably on his sides. Jeremy didn't like it when Richard was like this, hurt and sad and shaking. He needed to do something. Anything. He had to try. Hoping he could still woo the younger man with that look he would instantly give in to.</p><p><br/>"Listen, hamster, I'm- I'm so sorry baby, okay? I just-"</p><p><br/>"Stop it, Jeremy. It's not going to work." Richard said with a low wavering voice, obviously trying not to cry, "You wanna know why I can't kiss you good morning anymore? I can't. I can't e-even look at you sometimes! I... I need you to leave, Jeremy. We need a break."</p><p><br/>Jeremy couldn't stand seeing Richard like this.</p><p><br/>The older man sighed, lowered his head and nodded, "For how long?"</p><p><br/>"I don't know..."</p><p><br/>There was a silent moment between them as they both calmed their heavy breathing.</p><p><br/>"Fine. I'll go. But I can't guarantee that I'll be back." Jeremy said indignantly.</p><p><br/>"If I <em>want</em> you back, that is." Richard snapped back.</p><p><br/>"Right."</p><p><br/>Jeremy looked down, searching for the right words. As if reading his mind, Richard answered his unasked question.</p><p><br/>"Y-you don't have to sleep on the couch tonight. It's uncomfortable and will hurt your back-... I-I mean- you can sleep in our bed."</p><p><br/>Jeremy looked up, his face still sad, but a glint of hope in his eyes.</p><p><br/>It warmed Jeremy's heart how Richard couldn't pretend that he didn't care about him even when they were having a fight.</p><p><br/>"This doesn't change anything though... I-I still want you gone in the morning." Richard said in a low voice, then turned and walked back into the bedroom and Jeremy heard him sigh shakily once he was out of sight.</p><p><br/>Jeremy hadn't realised that he was frozen until he snapped out of it. He ran a hand over his face and then his neck. He closed his eyes trying to take a hold of himself and then walked into the bathroom, trying to avoid Richard for a little while longer.</p><p><br/>When Jeremy walked out of the bathroom, Richard seemed to already be asleep in their bed. He quietly took off his shirt and jeans, leaving on his boxers.</p><p><br/>Finally, Jeremy crawled into his side of the bed, trying not to wake Richard. As soon as he settled in, Richard turned around to look at Jeremy with red eyes, as if for the last time, and Jeremy returned his gaze. Richard quickly smiled - that kind of smile Jeremy hated the most, that kind of smile which was full of sorrow and heartache and didn't reach his beautiful eyes - and then started to turn back around, but Jeremy reached out and grabbed Richard's delicate face in his large hand gently.</p><p><br/>"Jeremy-" Richard started but was stopped short as Jeremy leaned over and gave the younger man a gentle kiss on the corner of his rosy lips. Jeremy wasn't hoping to change Richard's mind with the kiss, because he knew he couldn't. But if this was going to be his last night with Richard, then he wanted to make the most of it.</p><p><br/>Quickly Jeremy turned around to face away from Richard before either of them could say anything more.</p><p> </p><p><em>Because </em> <em>it mattered how it ended…</em></p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>~~~</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Jeremy woke up a few hours before Richard. He moved quietly, trying to gather his things before Richard woke up and saw he was still there.</p><p><br/>Jeremy was at the door when he heard Richard stirring. He thought of staying for a moment, just to catch one last glimpse of Richard's cute bedhead, but he knew the younger man didn't want to see him. Already carrying most of his stuff in his luggage and in the box under his right arm, he opened the door and picked up his suitcase. He walked out, hearing Richard jump out of bed and run out of the bedroom, he shut the door close behind himself with a small thud...</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>~~~</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Richard awoke that morning and rolled over, expecting there to be a firm body laying next to him, until he remembered the fight from last night, and what he had said. He jumped out of bed and ran after the sound of a door opening, but he was too late.</p><p><br/>Jeremy was gone.</p><p><br/>And Richard cried...</p><p><br/>He didn't really want Jeremy to leave. His heart hurt in his chest and he couldn't breathe. The house felt empty and lonely without Jeremy. But he hadn't realised it until Jeremy had left.</p><p><br/>He decided to run after the older man, but he knew it was hopeless. He couldn't take back the words he had yelled in Jeremy's face the night before. He was so stupid to think Jeremy was cheating on him. He was scared of Jeremy being with someone else and leaving Richard alone. But now he really was alone. Alone in their-- in <em>Jeremy's</em> flat.</p><p><br/>Even thinking of his life without Jeremy felt impossible. But now it was real. And it was all Richard's fault.</p><p><br/>He was sitting on the cold floor, sobbing his lungs out in what felt like an empty house and he hated himself...</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>~~~</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Jeremy hated himself.</p><p><br/>He couldn't believe that he had just walked out on the best thing that's ever happened to him. Jeremy had just walked away from the one he loved the most, the one Jeremy knew was not feeling alright recently.</p><p>
  <em><br/>His little hamster...</em>
</p><p><br/>But it was what Richard had wanted, right?</p><p>So he was walking down to the parking to get in his car and head towards the house in the countryside he and Richard had bought together to start their shared life in. And it was all Jeremy's fault that they couldn't be there together now. If he had just held Richard in his arms to take the younger man's insecurities away, if he had just told him why. Why he was working so late and why he was out till late at nights. How he would overwork himself because he had been trying to arrange a beautiful engagement party for themselves and get that Zonda as a proposal gift for Richard, like he always wanted. They should've been engaged by now, but because of Jeremy's secrecy, Richard had thought that he was cheating. And since filming the 6th series of Top Gear was already over and there was no filming for at least a month, Jeremy had to leave the younger man alone in the flat the whole day without giving him a singe reason, so Richard's insecurities had started to creep in.</p><p><br/>And then the fighting started. And Jeremy didn't know what to do. So he drank. Sure it was a shitty excuse, but it made him feel less angry, so he wouldn't lose temper and hurt Richard with his words or even worse-</p><p><br/>Jeremy couldn't even think of hurting Richard.</p><p>
  <em><br/>Where had it gone wrong?</em>
</p><p><br/>Jeremy decided that he would tell Richard what was really going on, and why he had been acting the way he did recently. He checked his pocket, and then his other pocket for his phone, but it wasn't there. He remembered setting the phone down on the kitchen counter as he was putting everything by the door.</p><p><br/>He had to go back. Sure he could just get a new phone, or somehow get Richard to send it to him, but something inside of him still hoped that Richard would change his mind. Hoped that he would walk in to get his phone and Richard would throw himself at Jeremy, wanting him back at home again.</p><p><br/>It was a blind, and incredibly stupid chance, but he was going to take it.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>~~~</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Richard was trying to calm himself down.</p><p><br/>He figured breakfast would take his mind off of Jeremy, but it only made it worse. He and Jeremy usually had breakfast together. So Richard was sobbing again, on the cold kitchen floor, leaning against a bottom cabinet, until he heard a buzz. He looked up with bloodshot eyes and saw Jeremy's phone on the counter and almost toppled over getting up to reach for it. He looked over and saw that Jeremy had set a reminder:</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u"> <em>Reminder to myself:</em> </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="u"> <em>No rest tonight, Jeremy! Let's work on everything till late night. We want a perfect  engagement party, that ring, and that Zonda for hamster, right?</em> </span>
</p><p> </p><p>Richard's sobs were caught in his throat...</p><p>
  <em><br/>He had been so stupid...</em>
</p><p><br/>Quickly, he slipped on his shoes and ran out of the door, forgetting his own phone and coat and keys, only hoping that Jeremy wasn't too far gone yet.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>~~~</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Jeremy was waiting for the elevator in the lobby when he heard someone running down the stairs. He turned around and saw a hysterical crying Richard running out of the front door of the building, still with his bedhead and tears streaming down his pale face. Jeremy got worried, dropped all his stuff carelessly and ran after him.</p><p><br/>"Richard!"</p><p><br/>Richard whipped around, his wide red-rimmed eyes landed on his boyfriend and he let out a deep shaky sigh, "Jeremy..." He sobbed as he ran towards the taller man.</p><p><br/>Jeremy opened his arms and caught Richard tightly, spinning him a little from the impact.</p><p><br/>Their lips collided and Jeremy held his trembling hamster tight in his arms. He put Richard down but they stayed kissing, not wanting to ever be apart again.</p><p><br/>Eventually they pulled apart, Jeremy planted a final kiss on Richard's forehead as he ran his hands up and down the smaller man's arms trying to calm him down.</p><p><br/>"It's okay. Just Breathe." Jeremy said with a gentle tone, "Where's your coat? You're going to freeze like this!"</p><p><br/>Jeremy took his own coat off immediately and pulled it around the younger man's small body, hating the way Richard's body felt so cold under in his hands.</p><p><br/>Richard smiled weakly between the tears that were streaming down his face, trying to breathe through the little sobs that escaped his mouth. Jeremy smiled back sadly and tried to wipe away Richard's tears with his thumb, the smaller man was still shaking like a leaf in his arms.</p><p><br/>Richard looked down and realised he still had Jeremy's phone in his hand. He held it out to the older man with shaky hands, "Y-you left this."</p><p><br/>Jeremy breathed out a poignant laugh as he took it, "Thanks, little hamster."</p><p><br/>"I-I... I saw your reminder to yourself... w-were you really-"</p><p><br/>"Yes." Jeremy said firmly, sighed and pressed Richard closer to his chest.</p><p><br/>Richard took in a sharp shaky breath and closed his eyes, tears starting to run down his face again.</p><p><br/>The older man reached out and stroked Richard's pale cheek gently with his rough fingers, making Richard sigh and lean into his warm touch.</p><p><br/>"I-I was worried y-you'd be long gone by now," Richard said, trying to take a hold of himself and not cry.</p><p><br/>"I thought you wanted me gone," Jeremy tried, wincing as he realised it was too soon for him to joke about it.</p><p><br/>Richard raised his head, stared into Jeremy's stormy eyes and shook his head slowly in response instead of saying anything, trying not to fall apart yet before saying what he should have said to Jeremy last night.</p><p><br/>"I-I... I never want you to leave, Jeremy." With this, Richard closed his eyes and burst into tears again, this time crying out loud like a little baby.</p><p><br/>And that was enough to make Jeremy cry too. He wrapped his arms around Richard's small figure again and pressed the younger man closer to himself, trying to warm his cold little body a bit. He then opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out. Instead, he leaned over and kissed Richard's head lingeringly and let his own tears escape his eyes and run down his face...</p><p><br/>Then he took Richard's hand and held it up to his mouth. He grazed over each of the younger man's delicate knuckles with his lips before placing a lingering kiss in the middle of them. It seemed to calm Richard down as he wasn't crying out loud anymore, but his hands were still cold and shaky.</p><p><br/>"W-would you... Would you come back h-home, J-Jeremy?" Richard said between his sobs, looking up at Jeremy's face with big pleading eyes.</p><p><br/>Jeremy's heart sank. He stared at Richard's pale face and his watery pleading eyes.</p><p><br/>Richard was just so small and fragile and after all these years, Jeremy had just noticed how vulnerable the younger man really was!</p><p>
  <em><br/>Fuck...</em>
</p><p><br/>Jeremy wanted to kick himself to death for being such an idiot all the while! But for now, he just needed to be there for Richard. So he kissed Richard one more time before enlacing his own fingers with the delicate fingers still in his hand and smiled widely.</p><p><br/>"Of course, hamster! God, of course! You're my home Richard! You're my <em>everything</em>. Don't you ever forget that!"</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>And yes, it mattered how it ended.</em>
</p>
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